Harry Potter and the Bedchamber of Secrets
by Skie
Summary: You've got to be wondering what would happen if Hermione and Draco hooked up, and the resulting consequences! Rated PG-13 for adult humor.


Harry Potter and the Bed Chamber of Secrets  
  
"Ow! Watch where you're going you Slytherin scum!" Hermione hissed as Draco Malfoy stepped on her foot during the last dance of the Yule Ball. Draco was about to snap back with his usual sarcastic retort, when he suddenly peered in Hermione's eyes and an odd sense of stricken guilt began to plague him. He had never felt guilt before. . . over anything.  
  
Without knowing what he was doing next he was suddenly leading her out the door and out into the Hogwarts garden. And to his equal astonishment, Hermione didn't seem to mind and actually enjoyed his company. They talked into the wee hours of the morning, unaware of the rapidly passing time.  
  
When the time came for them to finally separate, Hermione looked into the wells of Draco's soul and stated in a broken voice, "Draco, you know that this unification of Slytherin and Griffindor will never be accepted. We must keep this a secret if we wish to continue the bond that we have established this night. So go now, and swear to meet me here tomorrow at midnight. I'll be waiting."  
  
The next night, the two stealthily crept to the garden so as to be together again. They were both in good spirits and Draco went as far as to complement Hermione by saying, "You look stunning in the moonlight my dear."  
  
Hermione flushed with pleasure and responded by saying, "Draco, is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"  
  
"Why not both?" he said in a deeply sensual voice. Then he pulled her close and whispered in her ear, "Luke, come to the dark side of the force."  
  
"Hey, my name's not Luke," Hermione said indignantly.  
  
"Oh, uhhh, well just come join the evil side anyway."  
  
Her whole body trembled like a leaf in the autumn wind. "I would do anyone - I mean anything to be with you." her voice shaking at first grew stronger as she finished her statement. Just then they heard a rustling sound in the bushes behind them. They whirled around (Draco with lipstick on his collar and an unbuttoned robe) to find two furious young men - none other than the infamous Harry Potter and that other git Ron Weasley. Draco and Herman rose quickly and Draco stepped in front of Hermione as if to protect her from the insults that were bound to come.  
  
Harry was the first to recover his voice and said, "Step away from the chiquita and no one gets hurt."  
  
"What the hell is a chiquita?"  
  
"It's my slang for 'chick' dumbass! Now back off or else!"  
  
"No!" Hermione squealed in a voice that could break glass. "You mustn't harm him!"  
  
Now Ron spoke up, "Have you gone daft woman?"  
  
"Yes, daft with my love for him!" she said in a wistful, far away voice.  
  
Harry stared at her blankly then began to laugh hysterically, "Funny joke you guys, you sure got us...Draco, I still think you're an ass."  
  
His hands lunged for Hermione's waist and circled around tightly, "This is no joke."  
  
And seemingly to add insult to injury Hermione turned around and laid a passionate whopping kiss on Draco's lips. Harry and Ron were rendered speechless. And out of nowhere Ron let out a bellow of white-hot rage and seized Hermione in his pale scrawny arms. Clawing at her witch's robes he screamed that he would be damned if Draco would have her before he did. Draco ran to defend his beloved, but Harry was quicker. Soon they became a whirlwind of fists and tattered clothing. When the dust cleared Harry had Ron pinned against the wall screaming incessantly at him. Draco was helping Hermione to her feet and giving cold glances at the other two, Draco swept up Hermione and they left them there panting sweat and blood and regretting the loss of a dear friend. That night lead to the beginning of a plethora of events.  
  
Hermione was a loyal servant of Voldemort. Harry and Ron were no longer speaking. But worst of all, Ron desperate to stay close to his secret love, chose to live his life in Voldemort's service. Harry, being the whiny snitch (we're not talking about Quidditch here) that he is, informed Dumbledore of the immediate crisis. While searching the grounds for the missing three renegades they found themselves indeed running into the students accompanied by none other than the feared Dark Lord himself.  
  
(Dum dum dum. . . dramatic music)  
  
"On guard you vile piece of Miss Norris' cat vomit!" Dumbledore growled in a French accent.  
  
"You old A-track listening ,denture-losing, grape sucking, prune juice drinking, maker of tapioca pudding, buyin' a new cane every week, stair- falling, balding, hip never staying in the same place twice, impudent, ignorant, wrinkled, old, poor excuse for a male! Don't tell me what to do! You better shut your grill you stupid cracka! You damn honkey tonkey, fart sniffin', butt lickin', slime coated, maggot infested, diaper wearin', goody two shoes!" Voldemort sneered, his supporters bursting out into laughter.  
  
"Oh. . .okay," Dumbledore submitted, "Harry do you have anything to add?"  
  
"I hate all of you very very much!!!" Harry replied looking proud of himself, his voice sounding like a three-year old's.  
  
"Ooooooooooooooo! Look at us shake in our little wizard robes," Malfoy retorted. Harry started to ball uncontrollably.  
  
"Back to business," Voldemort laughed. "So, Dumb-dwarf, would you like to be killed now. . . or, I have time, later?"  
  
Dumb-dwarf, oops we mean, Dumbledore reached inside his wizard robes and dramatically pulled out. . . .(no, not what you're thinking) a black Harry Potter planner. He put on his reading glasses, meanwhile Voldemort tapping his foot impatiently. He flipped through a couple of pages, closed the book with a snap, and looked up with a giddy smile. "Umm, yeah, right now would work."  
  
"Score!" Voldemort shrieked, "Good-bye, I kill you now, Advara-Kedavra!"  
  
Harry looked up from the ground where he'd been lying down and sobbing, to see a flash of light and Dumbledore hit the ground. "That wasn't very nice- just look at the mess you've made! Who's gonna clean this up? Hagrid can't because he's busy getting wasted with Cornelius Fudge!" Harry whined.  
  
Voldemort paused a moment looking thoughtful then remarked, "Well I do suppose that poses a problem." He shook his head violently.  
  
With a sudden burst of courage, Harry scrambled to his feet and addressed Hermione, "Hey! Woman! Clean this shit up! Then you can get me a turkey pot pie bitch!"  
  
She responded indignantly in a Brooklyn accent, "You talkin' to me? I know you're not talkin' to me cause if you're talkin' to me you're gonna get hurt. I'll push you down the stairs, with Fluffy and a big pot of steaming hot coffee!"  
  
"Oh," said Harry shrugging, "can't blame a nerd for tryin'."  
  
"Is it okay if we kill you now?" Ron sneered sardonically.  
  
"NO!" Harry screamed in frustration.  
  
"Are you sure?" Draco inquired.  
  
"Well, if you must." Harry sighed.  
  
"Yippee! Let me kill him! Can I kill him puleeeaaase?" Voldemort squealed jumping up and down waving his wand in one hand.  
  
"Well, you are the only one who can after all." Draco replied respectfully.  
  
Voldemort, regaining composure, smoothly slicked back his hair, "Yeah, I knew that, of course, just seeing if you were paying attention over there. You've been slacking off lately lover boy." Meanwhile, Harry had already put on his favorite nightcap and was tightly clutching his favorite teddy bear named Cho Chang.  
  
"Well then, Advada Kedavra, or something like that."  
  
The blast cut Harry off in mid song. He was singing 'Everybody' by the Backstreet Boys. Thankfully the curse cut him off before he got to the 'am I sexual?' part. His last words were reportedly, "I am NOT a virgin! Bah ha ha! Fooled you all!" (That was a little too much information, but we don't think screwing Aunt Petunia counts.)  
  
So. . . blah blah blah. . . darkness consumed the world. . . people died. . . more people died. . . Voldemort became the undisputed leader of the universe. . . you know the typical happy ending. And you can bet your wands that everyone lived happily ever after! (except for the people who either died or were enslaved which was 89% of the world population) But other than that - it was all good.  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
Written by:  
  
Skie and Tallullabell  
  
aka  
  
Amanda and Colleen 


End file.
